Plus my Stanley Cup winner!

Tiger is an emotional guy.  Even before his personal life was excavated to reveal a different man, he did his fair share of antics on the golf course.  Whether its this, or this, or even this (okay the last one was soft), he had a worse on-course behavior than Happy Gilmore.  That was the one aspect of his game that was lambasted by commentators and former players.  Avid Tiger Fans, or ATF’s, retorted by claiming ‘he is always on camera.  It’s inevitable that he’s caught acting like a 6-year-old without his favorite toy.  Put the camera on other players for an equal amount of time as Tiger and I’m sure you’ll see similar reactions to shots’ time and time again (I admit that statement was slightly contrived on my part). 

Which brings me to my next point: Tiger is always on camera because he is the aura of his sport, personal life be damned.  He glues audiences to their HDTV’s on Sunday afternoon while he’s in contention, myself included, every single time.  His mastering creativity awe the spectators and inspire the youth.  There is no question that he transcended the sport of golf unlike any figure before him (Palmer is a distant 2nd).  He was an invincible force.  Consequently,  this led to his self-described “entitlement”, dysfunctional personal life, and awkward rebuttal to Lebron’s “Decision” for the most awkward nationally-televised event.

It has been a little over two years since that press conference, and Tiger hasn’t done much on the golf course. He has achieved only one victory and 8 top-10’s in 35 tournaments worldwide in that span.  It may be considered a solid track record for the average tour pro, but we all know Tiger Woods is not the average tour pro.  The man has 99 professional victories and owns 14 major championships.  An incredible for a man his age (36).  Although, given what has transpired over the past two years, he has made no progress on Jack Nicklaus’ record mark of 18 major titles since his epic triumph at the 2008 U.S. Open.  Even with his post-open knee surgery forcing him out of the final two majors in 2008, I like most people envisioned at the beginning of 2009 he’d have caught that record by now…and then some. 

His latest appearance in a major occurred last week at the Masters, and it was a dud.  His T-40 finish left many spectators flummoxed over his performance, but it was his character on the golf course that pissed a ton of people off.   This sums up the week that Tiger had as a golfer and as a person.  It’s shocking to me that an Augusta official didn’t disqualify him from the tournament right there, given the righteous attitude that August National presents itself in the public.

Tiger separated himself from the field not just because of overwhelming talent, but his mental toughness.  He lost that toughness from his fallout with the media, and has yet to regain any of it since.  I honestly thought he won back some of that mental edge after his win a few weeks prior, and then would drastically change into FU mode on the golf course for the rest of his career and win 25 majors…I spoke too soon at that point. 

In that awkward press conference, Tiger proclaimed that he’d be a “better person on and off the golf course” and “control his actions after any shot”.  He promised to his fans that he’d change, and change he did not.  Tiger has yet to live up to those statements, and that was on full display at Augusta.  The clip above shows it’s evident the majors, despite being his personal playground throughout the major-ity (see what I did there?) of his career, prove too much for Tiger.  Until he rectifies his mental edge from the pre-scandal days, he won’t win another major.  The mental drag of the majors has placed too much strain on his god-given physical talent. ‘Tis a shame.

On a separate note, I’m happy for Bubba winning the Masters.  If there is anybody that competes with Tiger on a creativity level, it’s this guy.

——

I’m picking the Penguins to win the Stanley Cup.  They score goals in bunches and have a goaltender capable of upping his game for the playoffs.  If there’s anything I learned from previous Stanley Cup winners it’s that is helps to ride a hot goaltender throughout the playoffs.

Sleeper pick: Nashville Predators.  See hot goaltender statement above.

It’s considered to be universally unacceptable to share your new year’s resolutions a week and a half into the new year.  Apparently, it is ‘recommended’ that we share these resolutions with the people we love literally 10 minutes after the ball hits bottom.  Two problems with that. 1) You are probably so wasted by 12:10 AM on January 1st that whatever you say can only be followed up by demonstrative laughter by an equally if not greater wasted individual.  The feedback doesn’t stick properly. 2) I do agree New Year’s resolutions should be spur-of-the-moment decisions but making a decision so soon into the new year can backfire quickly.  Very few of us know what to expect in the New Year outside of the ‘next year will be better’ chatter to ourselves.  ‘Rent’ told me that there are 525,600 minutes in a year, so 10 minutes of the year is not a whole lot to think about; 0.0019% to be exact.

I suggest the majority of us get settled into the new year and then come up with a list of resolutions after we truly understand what the new year can potentially hold in store for us.  Also, we should also explain to our peers the inspiration behind these resolutions.  Too many times people squeak by with these one liners that have no innate basis for their rationale. I want to introduce something radical. Going in-depth on a genuine idea of mine gets me more excited about the aforementioned idea and pushes me to work harder on improving that idea as the year progresses.  Without further ado, I present my list of New Year’s Resolutions.

1) Fine the line between being a douche and asshole in the teaching world.

I came into last semester with the perception that I’d be greatest teacher ever.  That dream almost immediately became rubbish after realizing I hate public speaking and most importantly, I was a softee who bent the rules for students.  I became privy of the difficult transition the majority of these students were facing, so I included all these amendments to the guidelines of the course without consulting a higher power.  Was it
unethical?  Absolutely.  Did it make me likable as a teacher?  Sure, but that’s what went wrong.  I became so enamored about creating a positive energy in the classroom that I forgot about what I was teaching or didn’t follow the plan of what I was teaching.  That’s why this year I vow to be more worried about what I’m teaching versus how I’m teaching.  I want my students to enter the classroom and not treat it like their personal playpen.  Instead, I want them to pay attention at what I’m writing on the board and treat me with indelible respect.  Of course that’s where the dilemma between asshole and douche begins.  To put it briefly, a douche deserves no respect yet an asshole does because an asshole cares about other people and can tolerate dicks…that’s what she said.

2) Stop spitting on people…while I talk

This has been a problem of mine in the past.  I will express my gratitude for someone and subsequently get in close for a few more words.  Those last two syllables tend to be a saliva shower for the opposite party, and I feel guilty 67% of the time.  That’s why I vow to stop or at least attempt to stop using so much saliva when I put emphasis on a particular syllable.  May I have to sacrifice talking altogether at the end of the year?  I certainly hope not.  That’s why I have this as one of my resolutions.

3) Have sex equal to or more than 13 times

Yes, you read that right.  And here’s why it’s a resolution of mine before you tell me it contradicts everything I said about the first problem with making a new year’s resolution at 12:10 AM in the first place.

The vast majority of my time will be spent here in Knoxville.  Now that I have been back in Knoxville for the better part of a week I have been reacclimated to the area and jumped back into the social scene as the endearing and genuine fellow that I am.  13 times is entirely plausible given what I have picked up on in the last 5 months.  I picked 13 in the first place just because of its reputation as an unlucky number.  So yeah, I guess I did it to be hipster ironic, but also I think it’s gonna be #13’s year.

Now to the response portion of it.  “Stu, don’t you think people will call you crazy for having the number of times you wish to have sex as a resolution?” Probably, but the way I look at it.  New year’s resolutions have generally gotten positive reception and there is always that one friend who wants to root you on in making your resolutions come to fruition whether they’re a part of it or not.  It’s a can’t lose scenario, plus I’m betting on the prospect that their is some attractive female individual in the Knoxville area who has a resolution in the infield of mine.  I like the chances because stranger things have happened.

4)  Watch every Stanley Cup playoff game designated for alotted TV time.

While I was in New Zealand, I remember hearing about the Chicago Blackhawks winning the Stanley Cup two seasons ago and reading everyone’s reaction to the event on facebook.  I have never had to celebrate a victory for a team I root for vicariously through anyone before because I always had the opportunity to watch the game myself.  That was a rare case of the impossible happening and I believe I redeemed myself this previous summer as a result.  However, whether the Blackhawks are in the playoffs or not, I want to be there to watch all teams compete.  I want to be the one guy in the Knoxville bar who is glued to his bar stool because he can’t take his eyes off the television of the scene where guys are attempting to slap a little black puck past a goaltender using the elements of skating, passing, and god-given stickhandling.  Whether the game is scheduled at 1 PM on a rambunctious Saturday or 7 PM on a slow Tuesday night, I vow to be in front of a TV watching the action unfold.  It’s the ‘Chase for the Cup’ that I prefer to watch in the south.

And that concludes my list of 2012 resolutions. Carefully thought out and no rash decisions.  Cheers to 2012 and let it be better than the last.

I continue with my belated recap of 2011: Year of Stu (YOS)…

July- I grew the most intricate facial hair complexion of my entire life this month.  The best part is that I set it up to live on in glory by getting a new drivers license photo at the zenith of the hair-growing process.  Consequently, I’ve shaved every 3rd day since July 31st give or take…It should also be noted that during this month i got my first first-cousin-once-removed (Thank you high school health i.e. Karen Zidovsky)

August-First month of graduate school…and the inception of ‘drunk stu posts on tumblr’.  What struck me the most about grad school was how outdated the chemistry faculty photos are on the website. Example, I had Dr. Foister for a class this semester and when I first looked up this dude on the website I expected to have this skinny-chested, below-average height, dorky looking professor for a semester.  Granted the squinted eyes were probably a result of the sun being in his face as the picture was being taken. He comes into class the first day and none of the above was true.  This dude was built like a freaking linebacker, and needless to write linebackers are not skinny-chested or any other physical quality that pertain to cal-tech educated scientists…Great guy though.  One of my favorite people to talk to on campus.

September- I officially got a bro-in-law.  It would’ve been nice to have a friends table despite the fact that would’ve lowered the girl to guy ratio. Bros before Hos… “Shortened NFL season” got deported back to debbiedownerland.  Thank goodness.  My prediction that the league would be much more competitive ultimately came true although predicting the two worse teams failed abjectly given that both made the playoffs while one of them gave birth to a national phenomenon.

October- Halloween weekend was awesome.  I decided to go as ‘120 oz. Stu’ two weeks prior as a result of my rediscovered admiration for malt liquor.  Seriously, there is no better “get more drunk with less taste for 2$” beverage. 

November-  I got to spend my Thanksgiving with a professional football player. One more item to cross off my list of things to do before I kick the bucket.  (Oh, that’s where ‘bucket list’ comes from!)

December- From an academic perspective, this had to be the best semester of my life.  It culminated with straight A’s.  No matter the race, gender, sexuality, preference towards body wash, everyone should be entitled to a 4.0 GPA at some point in their lives.  It gets your parents off your back and moves you one step closer to moving out of their basement.

And that’s that.  What a memorable year yet a forgetful one at the same time.  I’m pretty sure the majority of the people that I hung out with in 2011 I will never see again. But nevertheless there’s group of people that I hung out with in 2011 that I hope to share memories with indefinitely.  At the end of the year, as long as things even out you can’t complain.  It was the year of Stu though, therefore you only weigh the ‘great’ moments and given the abundance of ‘there goes Stu again’ I’m celebrating.

Cheers.

New York City.  A perfectly acceptable location to get wasted and have no regard for your bodily functions.  This is never observed more frequently than New Years Eve.  I have to admit, it provides a nice counterbalance to all the elegant romance shared between two (sometimes 3) people. 

Besides hanging out with friends, copious amounts of alcohol, and the city skyline, I find excuses to play down the New Year hype.  I never cared much for New Years Eve, nor the attempted renditions through cinema (7% on Rotten Tomatoes is nothing to laugh about). Too many cliches.  I like to avoid those by any means.

In the middle of all the cab fares, 10$ vodka tonics, and occasional bathroom break in the street, I took a retrospective look at the proverbial year of Stuart Allen Whitehead.  Filled with highs and lows. Here it is:

January- Putting off Graduate School applications until winter break was an unwise decision.  Consequently, I forgot to send out my thank you cards to my relatives for their magnanimous donations. I was chastised by plenty of people (by that I mean my mother) to failing to do so.  Meanwhile, my last semester of college was underway.  A new rush class was conceived, and boy did I have my issues with the aforementioned group.

February- This was a roller coaster month.  In the beginning I became convinced that my demons receded, only to have it backfire by the end of the month.  The friendships I worked so hard to build for 2 yrs. began to cascade into an abyss. So it goes…On a positive note I hung out with my cousin, Rich on Purdue’s campus for the first time.  He was already aware of the YOS regime, and the fun we had was indicative of that. 

March- I hit a peak with facebook status updates in the beginning of the month.  Probably a cause of having an incredible streak of “10 likes per status” of 6.  If only they showed that much interest in reality. So it goes…1) Accepted to a grad school. 2) Scored a job interview 3) My first YOS related status update: “What’s the best way to prepare yourself for a 24 hour bus ride? 24 hours drinking of course.” My favorite update from any category from 2011.  It should deserve some consideration for “update of the year”.  Meeting Mark Zuckerberg is on my bucket list!…Note: I lasted for 15 hours, but more importantly I made the bus. 

April- Ty Webb said to Danny Noonan in Caddyshack: “Danny, See your future, Be your future…Ma-Ma-Make it!”  The most inspiring quote in cinema history.  Basically, I had a 2nd round interview and a grad school visit…in one week.  Strenuous week. Coupled with an exam and lab report, it was one of the worst weeks of my life.  However, it was also the most informative…I turned 22 on the 27th.  I thought it had a significance.  I celebrated my 21st birthday in New Zealand, so this was my 21st birthday from the American frame of reference.  It didn’t get the best reception, but hey it was worth the idea.

May- Graduation.  Ran a marathon.  Yeah, this month was a success. No explanation needed.

June- I moved to Knoxville to start my career in the UT lab.  I loved the dude I was working for.  His lab was a hybrid of Garth Algar and Japanese school girl.  The problem is it’s a vastly underappreciated and rare event in the department.  I’ve taken the initiative by spreading the word ever since…

The 2nd half of YOS will be posted momentarily.  In the meantime, see your future and BE your future.

“I know it’s been a lil while since I been out the house!
But now I’m here, you wanna stand around
running your mouth?!” -Ludacris

I apologize for my absence from the blog-o-sphere over the previous weeks.  Nevertheless I present to you a collection of opinions, stories, and mostly bullshit.

—-

First off, my original plan was to post once or twice a week.  However, priorities changed, and once a week turned into once a month.  Then it was a sporadic occurrence…like now.  The problem was I putting too much pressure on myself to put together these elaborate 1500 word essays about one random topic.  That’s why I disappeared.  Regardless, I’m here now, and I’m going to try something new.  Instead of focusing my attention on one topic, how about I go through everything? With each verse being a paragraph? My writing style is more adept to that.

—-

My NFL preview was a flop, and not just because I failed to produce a part II.  I predicted Cincy to be the worst team in the NFL, but now they’re one of the best.  Disgraceful…Anyway I want to write a little bit about the two teams I have become most familiar with over the past 4 years: the Pats and Colts.

The Colts are 0-9…Okay, but can the fans put the onus on Peyton’s absence?  I texted a buddy regarding the chances of a player deserving the MVP award despite not playing in half the games.  “Yes especially if the absence holds value” he replied.  I don’t know.  Peyton is the master at sustaining drives and manufacturing points.  The decreased amount of offense on the field relative to previous years has put more pressure on the defense, which has faltered and…yeah, I just answered my own question.  It’s sad though.  My cousin’s husband is in the starting lineup and I’m meeting up with him on Thanksgiving.  I think i’ll divert the conversation away from football.

The Pats are a vulnerable 5-3.  That defense doesn’t know how to play football.  Their top 2 players have been out of practice all week. They play a night game at the Meadowlands and their offense has become one dimensional again.  Contrary to most experts, I support Bill’s 2011 draft.  Predominantly offensive players were selected, and I think that was to ensure they score more than 30 points a game.  Even with that collection of players playing on defense they still  give up less than 25 points a game.  The objective of the game is to score more points than the other team.  Makes sense, right?

—-

The first 3 months living in Knoxville was ten times worse than being in a sauna.  Even with that, I still felt an itch to go outside and play.  I golfed on weekend afternoons; being the only one walking around with a 20 pound bag strapped to my back in 90 degree heat was the life.  I also ran in the mornings to feel a lot better about myself.  Once a marathon runner always a marathon runner.  Hmmmm, golfing and running were my two favorite extracurricular activities in high school.  Say what you will about those two sports and their inferior nature compared to football, basketball, etc.  You can play golf and/or run for the rest of your life. 

Now that I’m a graduate student and ready to spend the next 5 years of my life in a lab, I’m going to have limitations outside of the lab.  Those two activities will be my savior.

—-

I love running.  You experience an element of serenity unlike any other.  Plus, it allows me to double up on lunch 4 times a week without any consequences!

—-

My greatest athletic achievement to date has to be running the marathon.  I prepared for months and in retrospect, my favorite run of that training segment had to be running for 16 miles on country roads as the sun set across the Indiana horizon.  Also, the fact that I could subject myself to those series of runs and still come out unscathed proved that my mental toughness is at another level compared to high school Stu.  If I can accomplish that, my opportunities are limitless.

—-

Those runs are what ultimately got me through the semester.  My personal life was unraveling and wondered anxiously if I would be in graduate school, at an industrial plant, or living with my parents. 

—-

Whether I went home that night or not, I’m pretty sure my life wouldn’t be any different.  Those are the kinds of experiences that make you a stronger person in the end.

—-

Again, I trace my rebirth to that marathon.  Not only did it give me a big boost of self-esteem but made me more relaxed as an individual.  Yes, high school was shit for me, but dammit high school is shit to a lot of people.  Ultimately, those are the types of people that win at the game of life.

—-

My theory is the more popular you become at any level the greater amount of time you spend on facebook.  The more you live in facebook the less likely you are to interact with real people later on in life.  Now, the facebook connoisseur might chastise me for such an outrageous theory but do you think it’s more enjoyable to hear a funny comment through a person’s mouth or keyboard?  I choose the former, and it’s one of the reasons why I shy away from facebook.

Alright, I do text.  But that at least that is a conversation between two people and only two people can witness it.

—-

Can anyone tell me how status updates have worked out well for anyone?  And why must I be criticized for wanting to have only 40 fb friends?

—-

“I’m pretty sure drunk stu has left us wanting more.”  Showmanship is drunk stu’s middle name.

—-

A girl told me that I was her “very own James Bond”.  I replied by saying “I haven’t slept with any Russian spies, but thank you.”  We still talk to this day…

-SAW

Pathetic reference time:

Dane Cook had this joke about puking in the bathroom and crying simultaneously.  None of it was funny; that’s not the point.  In this verse, he talked about how the back of the brain is having a good time while you regurgitate all the fun you had earlier that night.  Therefore, you puke your guts out and want to cry in shame, but you can’t help but laugh at the whole situation at hand.  This relates perfectly to my Thursday night.

I broke off a lot of friendships (not all were a cause of excessive cell phone use) in the past 8 months.  Despite the lack of closeness, I make a wry comment on FB occasionally to test the boundaries.  Some responses are positive; others not so much.  That’s fine, because one simple click of the mouse and you’re no longer my ‘FB’ friend, nor do we have to see each other ever again!  That cuts our losses…Anyway, tonight was reassuring that everything is alright.  Graduate school was the only option for me after college, but I found it as an opportunity to perpetuate the feeling of being in college.  I hang out with the people that enable me to do so.  Cheers…

Finally, I have two new theories.  Here they are:

-Bitchness is attenuated by a factor dependent on the size of one’s rock on a finger. (Few exceptions from my experience)

-The length of one’s marriage decreases exponentially based on the number of one’s rock photos on FB. (Confirmation by a credible source)

I may regret this, but &%$# that shit.

-SAW

I got it.

I got a new phone earlier this week, and with it came the transition from flip phone to the keyboard dynamic.  I no longer own a cell phone that is cracked nor low on battery power.  I went six days without charging my new phone. One less problem I have to worry about…

I wasn’t ready to make the jump to smart phone status just yet.  My lifestyle doesn’t fit with such an exuberant device, let alone keyboard status. I know plenty of people that own smart phones, but most of them abuse the privilege by harassing the benefits.  I’m trying not to become that person…

How great is it that we can communicate with our mates through a handheld device?  I love it.  I’m always eager to get a group together for a night out on the town and staying in touch with old friends.  However, I draw a line with my phone.  If I’m already out socializing with friends, why should I continue to text with a member outside of the party?  I showed up for a reason: To hang out with that specific group of people.  Of course there is an exception: long distance relationships.*

*Corollary: If you’re gonna fret about said partner being 500 miles away, don’t bother coming out.

I resisted the urge to buy a smart phone for another reason: Internet.  In my experience, that tool has ruined a lot of friendships.  I walked into my frat house and went downstairs to check the basement.  There was a game of beer pong being played that included a past flame.  I said ‘hi’ to all in a very cordial manner in anticipation of a conversation to take place.  Two replied back, while the other two (past flame and some other dude) had their eyes transfixed on their iPhones.  I chatted for about a minute, then took a long hard look at the other end of the table.  Still on their iPhones.  No words were exchanged.  I went back upstairs.  Sorry to waste your time fellas…Haven’t spoken to either of them since. 

Oh, I’m not done.  An incident took place that led to one of my closest friends ending all communication with me.  We only got the chance to talk if we happened to be in the same room or car together, and even that was awkward.  Towards the end of our days at Purdue, she chose the path of looking at her iPhone more often than talking to me.  Thats when I made this observation:  A friendship must be terminated if a person spends more time browsing through their phone than talking to you.

It’s only a fucking cell phone.  Nothing is more special than striking up a conversation with a complete stranger, because you never know if that person is gonna be in your wedding party at some point and vice versa.  There can not possibly be someone that important in your life if you need to call/text them in the company of another group.  It’s disrespectful and yields karma that will bite you in the ass.

If you care to prove me wrong, text me at 8029221476.

-SAW

Hey folks,

I went throught a shit ton over the past week.  I now present to you a  set of unwritten rules that I expect all of you to abide by:

• If I catch you on your phone in the bathroom, then I’m throwing the phone of the red-handed party in the toilet/urinal myself.
• No chromatic drinks within the visible spectrum before 9 PM on any given night.  Alcoholic beverages mixed with coca-cola are fair game.
• For the females: no hooking up with the same/opposite sex if the partner of interest is ostensibly more wasted than yourself.

Learn these rules. Love these rules.  Make the world a better place.

-SAW

Hey folks,

Drunk Stu here.  In the past week I have once again been stranded in an airport, stood no more than 6 feet from the nuptials of my sister, and observed some pretty crazy shit. 

I remember the first time I got lost on my way home to VT.  I just completed my first semester at Purdue, and was scheduled to depart Indiana the same day as a humungous snow storm was rolling into the majority of the northeast.  I was so enthralled by the fact of getting home that I just made things worse for myself.  I was diverted to Atlanta, and the result was a cancellation of my flight to VT and a 2 1/2 wait in a customer service line. I could only manage a flight out of Atlanta two days later, although this gave me ample time to scour the international terminal of the airport.  It was a phase…

The point of this upcoming story is that it wasn’t my first rodeo in the customer service line last week. On my way back to VT, our flight encountered thunderstorms in the landing process and was ordered to remain stagnant on the taxiway after landing.  When I finally stepped foot into the terminal, my flight was scheduled to board, for the time being, in 20 min.  I sprinted to the shuttle, caught my breath, then sprinted again to the gate.  I asked some lady what the status of the Burlington flight was and she told me it was 10 min from boarding.  Lucky me.  But then the expected departure date started to get later by half-hour increments.  Finally, they called the whole thing off and directed 30 passengers to the CS line.  I don’t know how I resisted the temptation to getting dinner at Five Guys as opposed to waiting in line, but it happened.  Physically fit Stu is proud…Anyway, I got my flight out of Dulles at an early hour with an expected arrival time into B-town at 1230.  It made me apprehensive having two flights, but everything was on-time.  Two things I learned from this trip: Never fly again with United and schedule morning flights if possible.

*Side note. In the CS line, I became acquainted with one of Alia’s contemporaries from high school and we became travel buddies for the trip.  She was very generous and I instilled in her the leave-no-man-behind effect for the duration of the deserted the state.  Once we finally got off the plane in B-town, I was waiting for my gate-checked bag to be delivered when I saw her walking by me.  I stuck my hand out for a high-five and she reciprocated by doing so.  However, she held my hand for a second or two longer than I anticipated.  I wasn’t freaked out, but rather surprised.  What kind of gesture is that?  She claimed to have a significant other in her life, but I think it was the relief of finally getting home that drove her to state of incongruity. 

Part II will continue momentarily…

My original plan was to golf today as part of a tune up session for next weekend’s golf outing at my sister’s wedding.  It’s currently raining (with no signs of letting up), so it looks like I’m gonna have to rely on strong will and muscle memory to have any shot at taking home the title.  The last time I played was 3 weeks ago and is eons ago in golfing terms.  The only thing I got going for me is my ability to exercise on a regular basis during that time, and i’ve done well in past when this was the case.  There are about a 1,000 other guys who can empathize for me right now, and like me, they too will get a shot to prove their worth next weekend.

Yes, folks.  The NFL officially kicks off this Thursday with a match-up featuring the last two Super Bowl champions: Saints vs. Packers.  Despite the lockout taking up most of the summer, we fans can finally exhale a huge sigh of relief.  In addition to the late start, teams have frantically scrambled to organize their players and coaches while simultaneously welcoming in free agents and rookies.  The offseason and preseason were compressed into one 3 week period, and it has been evident so far which players are behind (rookies, free agents) and ahead of the curve. 

This is why I am so excited for the upcoming NFL season.  The lockout will result in a lot of parity, and in turn make the league extremely competitive this year.  Last year featured a ton of surprises and that momentum will undoubtedly carry on into this year.  Do I expect Oakland to build on last year’s turnaround season?  Cleveland to win it’s division?  Kevin Kolb to win the MVP? Of course not, but that doesn’t mean their complacence in the NFL doghouse is imminent.

I give you now my 1st post in a 3-part NFL preview series.  This post will cover non-playoff teams, tomorrow playoff contenders, and concluding on Wednesday will be my predictions for awards and postseason results.  Let’s get started:

“There are rich teams, then there are poor teams, and then there’s 50 feet of crap, and then there’s us.”

*Just because I said the league will be more competitive this doesn’t mean the bell curve of talent will shrink.

32. Cincinnati Bengals

They screwed the pooch big time.  Now that their two most marketable stars are no longer with the team, they will be spending the next 5 years with a top-5 draft pick.  Of course the organization managed to blow up the one thing going for them.  Leon Hall and Jonathan Joseph were quietly becoming a formidable one-two combo at cornerback.  Despite having more than 15 million in cap space, they let Joseph walk.  So it goes…

31. Denver Broncos

When you essentially give up on 1st round pick from the previous year, there isn’t a lot going for the organization at the moment.  Dysfunctional ownership is a one-way ticket to NFL obscurity.  Then again, was Tebow even worth a 1st round pick?  And didn’t this team get 2 first round picks in return for Jay Cutler last year? That was the opportunity to build a defense than can stop somebody, and they wasted them. So it goes…

“I can’t decide whether you should live or die.”

In no particular order (30-17):

Cleveland Browns-The Madden curse applies to Peyton Hillis. I think EA sports was a bit premature on the potential of Hillis.  Sure he had a great year but in the past the madden cover has been given to an established star in the league (exception: Vince Young).  A breakout year should not be sufficient enough to grant a profile on the most popular video game of the 21st century. 

Detroit Lions-My second favorite team behind the Pats.  I feel incredibly sympathetic for this team given all that has transpired in Detroit over the past decade, and I want to see this team succeed.  There has been an influx of talent on this team over the past 3 drafts, so it is easy to get excited about this team. Donky Kong anchors that D and Strafford methodically approaches the O…then again, it’s the Lions.  Until they establish themselves a tough matchup in their own division, I’ll reconsider their position on this list.

Oakland Raiders- I alluded to point earlier regarding the possibility of the Raiders building on their moderate success from a year ago.  A lot of talent resides on that D, and a commendable D can carry a team (a la 2001 Ravens).  Then again, it’s the Raiders. Where no discipline happens…

Miami Dolphins-Who’s gonna throw the ball to Brandon Marshall? I rest my case…

Carolina Panthers-Last year was last year.  Murphy’s law was put on full display with the Panthers a year ago.  Let’s see how they play when they’re healthy.  I’m not totally sold on Cam Newton, but that D will have a good year.  John Fox still lives in that defense.

Seattle Seahawks-Exit Hasselback. Enter Jackson. Enter Rice.  I guess Seattle thought the best offensive talent was bred in Minnesota.  Hey, maybe they can win the division with a 6-10 record this year.

Washington Redskins-Rex Grossman predicted this team will win the division this year.  If there’s one thing that has carried Sexy Rexy through his NFL career it has to be his audacity.  Sure, he ‘led’ the Bears to the Super Bowl 5 years ago, but I think we can all agree on who was really responsible for that.

Arizona Cardinals-I guess Larry Fitzgerald was looking for a new challenge in Arizona. “Hey guys, I’m gonna play for this team for the rest of my career , but I think there is no better way to prove my worth than having to catch passes from a string of mediocre players.” Maybe Fitzgerald can help Kolb and vice versa.  Or maybe they’ll both kill each other and nobody wins.

Minnesota Vikings-The only football playing Donovan that has done something relevant for American sports over the past 5 years is not the same Donovan that plays for the Vikings. 

Jacksonville Jaguars and Tennessee Titans- I really don’t know what to expect from these teams.  There position in the division is largely dependent on whether you-know-who will be fully functional for the first half of the season.  I didn’t take the Pats beatdown of the Jags in week 1 of the preseason too seriously, but I was able to see that Blaine Gabbert made some good throws in that game (at least that’s what the highlights told me).  As for the Titans and their fellow top ten pick Jake Locker, he has the luxury of studying the position under Matt Hasselback, who may be past his prime but he has been the most underrated QB of the past decade.

Tampa Bay Bucs- Another feel-good story from this past year with the apex of the season occurring at the Superdome and knocking off the defending champs.  With the exception of Barrett Ruud (tackling machine), their core players are still with the team and they added some more talent through the draft.  Despite that huge win against the Saints last year on the road, I just don’t think they are ready to compete with the Falcons, Packers, or any of the elite teams on a consistent basis.

Buffalo Bills-I’ll say it: The Bills are gonna do better than most people think.  I won’t go as far to say they’ll eclipse the Pats and the Jets in the division, although the latter will make me extremely happy.  Chan Gailey has a year under his belt with the players on that offense, with Fred Jackson continually playing the spoiler part in most defensive gameplans.  The defense line features the 2nd best nose tackle in the division with Kyle Williams and top five pick Marcell Dareus.  An established pass rusher resides at OLB (Chris Kelsay) and a ball hawk (Jarius Byrd) anchors the secondary.  This is still a young team, but it will surprise…

Chicago Bears- ‘Da Bears will suffer the most from the new Kickoff rules.  The Bears were one of the best teams last year in close games; a number that will cascade as a result of Devin Hester being taken out of the game.  Kickoff and punt returns are game changing plays and with Hester being compromised at his best position on the field, those close games may not always work out in the Bears favor. 

Stay tuned for tomorrow’s post on the contenders piece.